Success in marriage when your spouse travels
As we continue to enter a world of wireless
technologies and significant improvements to telecommunications; more employers
are asking middle managers and higher to cover larger regions. Business is no
longer silo'ed by state boundaries; it's gone national and even international
and will continue to do so as we progress and become more efficient.
This changes how we look at the 1950 ideals of
family. One person working a 40-hour work week while the spouse stays home and tends
to the children is becoming the unicorn of family ideals. A time when both individuals are home every single night to parent, take care of the house, and
physically be there for each other just doesn’t happen anymore.
More often that not, both spouses work, and if
one travels extensively it can be a complete disaster in a marriage. The error
for lack of communication is extremely high.
We are going to talk about how both individuals feel
in this situation and then talk about some tips on how to transition
better in and out of travel.
1. Awareness: Both parties believe that they do more
than the other
Jack works anywhere from 10-12 hour days and this
doesn't include travel time. This says a lot about a human being. He is incredibly
hardworking and is very loyal to his job. He wants nothing more than to provide
for his family. Unfortunately, he constantly rushes his wife off of the phone
to take calls from clients and consistently has tunnel vision when in
“work-mode”. His company loves this and he thrives in this mental state.
Jane is the CEO of the home. Often times she is
feeling overwhelmed with kid duties (homework, activities, carpool, trying to
add 'fun') as well as her own full time job). She gets up every day to
rush the older kids off to school. Rush is actually the biggest word in her
vocabulary. Constantly hurrying everyone up, pushing the limits of the “to-do”
list, trying to be a part of the kids' life and still work a full-time job, as well as managing all of the fires of daily household maintenance and the kids is
exhausting. Jane hits the sack at 9pm most days.
Tip: BE AWARE. Both people are equal. Both people
have to respect and communicate their respect DAILY. This is so important in a "traveling spouse relationship"; more so than any other marriage. You have to connect without expectation at least twice a day.
2. Time.
Jack travels with a Fortune 500 company and is a National Sales Manager, he is not available very often as he overbooks his time when he travels so that he can rush home to his family. He has to be “on” all day and is typically on
the phone with clients and employees 80% of the time. Every time Jane calls
him, he cuts her off to take another call. Making her feel unimportant. Jack is
constantly under pressure to meet sales goals and believes that EVERY single
second he needs to be saturated with business.
Jane is exhausted at the end of the day and
crawls in bed and is fast asleep at 9. When Jack calls her after his client dinner,
she has been long in bed. She fell asleep exhausted from the day and didn’t
text Jack. Why should she? He ignored her all day. He texts her at 11:00, and
she doesn’t answer. He realizes what time it is and feels like he has failed
for the day. He now assumes that Jane is probably upset with him.
Tips.
It's important to have respect for your spouse
and what their day is like. If you can be cognizant of this throughout the day;
even if you just send a text; it helps. It is up to both parties to
acknowledge that they need to check-in. If Jane had sent a text with highlights
from the day and said “I hope your day went well, I love you, goodnight” it
would not snowball. Just as Jack should write highlights of his day and say I
love you. These small adjustments really show that you both genuinely care, and it helps keep open lines of
communication.
3. The Transition: The Weekend Spouse
Living in a household for 4-5 days with a spouse
that is gone and switching to have them with you for 24 hours a day can be
remarkably hard to execute.
Jack has just arrived home after being gone for 4
days. He is on the phone in the driveway with an irate client that he can’t get
off of the phone with; inside the kids are crying that daddy is home, dogs are
barking and Jane is just trying to hurry and clean up the piles of dishes and
throw the laundry in. Jane also notices that she didn’t shower and has no
makeup on-so she feels like the day has creeped up on her and she starts to
talk negatively to herself in her head. Immediately she feels very down and
feels like she is failing as a mom and wife.
Jack walks in and the kids go bananas with
excitement.
Jane is quiet. (she is immediately more irritated
that the kids seem so excited to see daddy when she takes care of them all
week).
Jack says "hey." in a monotone voice. He already can tell by Jane’s body
language that she is upset. Instead of hugging her (He doesn’t want to
deal with her right now because he is exhausted from traveling all week)he goes
straight to his office and continues his work day.
This is the tipping point for the
weekend.
Tips.
Jack needs to mentally take a minute before he
gets home to transition his mental state from business to home. Coming in and
immediately kissing his wife and saying the house looks great and I missed you,
is a great start. His attitude of when you walk in the door is critical to set
the vibe for the weekend.
Jane needs to plan better. She needs to set an
alarm for her phone to be prepared for Jack to come home. She needs to give
Jack a break. She needs to realize that the house being perfect is not crucial.
She needs to stop what she is doing and be happy to see her husband and hug him
and tell him she misses him.
Success starts this very minute. It's both
individual’s responsibility to stop what they are doing and be
respectful.
4. Engage each other: when both spouses are home
Jack has literally worked 50+ hours in 4 days. He
is worried about a contract with a big client. He has been talking all day
every day and he has been entertaining all week. Jack just wants to veg and be
with the kids. He wants to sit in his recliner and watch football, he has
caught flack from his clients all week- he hears Jane say something about going
to church and fixing the garage door. He rolls his eyes and turns up the volume
on the tv without even realizing it.
Jane has the house in order all week long, her
schedule with the kids is based on a very tight schedule. She has been a taxi
for the kids all week and she is completely spent with zero ounce of life to
give anyone. On the weekends she really hates to be on a schedule. She craves
adult time. Her love language is actions. She has asked Jack for weeks to
fix the garage door, she is sick of constantly reminding him. The house needs cleaned, she needs to grocery
shop and meal prep for the week- she is anxious and overwhelmed. She knows that
if she doesn’t work all weekend to prepare for the next week it’s a complete
disaster.
Tips:
It is imperative that you plan your week and
weekend together-typically Sunday nights are a great time to do this. Try not
to pack the weekend full of more than you can accomplish. Each person should
choose one thing that they want to do-and they should be able to do it
guilt-free.
When the traveling spouse is home-you are
responsible for the work of the home as well. It’s not fair for one person to
take care of the maintenance of the household by themselves on the weekend.
Divide and conquer. It works if you both split up
and try to accomplish some tasks and then come back together for intentional
family time. Quality time over quantity still matters. It is better to plan a
family activity together for a few hours and have both individuals be happy
than it is to have a forced weekend with negative energy.
Communication is key- what works for one
couple-may not work for another.
6. Code words.
I have seen fights escalate quicker when couples
have a traveling spouse. This is typical of two independent people
internalizing what they THINK their spouse is thinking. It’s crucial that if
this sounds like you, you get out of this habit.
How do I do that?? Well, I call it a code word.
Life is cyclical. We talk about communicating and we do really well for a
couple weeks or a few months and then we naturally go back to our old
tendencies.
Come up with one word that is ridiculous. It has
to be something that makes you both laugh. If Jane feels Jack ignoring her-she
can laugh and say “Burgers and Fries” and it takes both of them back to their
first date where they ordered burgers and fries. She has immediately changed
the game. He snaps out of it and they can laugh and move on.
Tips
that will make you happy in your marriage!!
1. Make life easier-hire a cleaning lady or
someone to mow the yard. It’s important that the weekend time is as stress-free
as possible
2. Over-communicate. I don’t believe you can
over-communicate. Always be honest and have an open dialogue of where you are
mentally. Good or bad.
3. Each person should call or send a text in the
morning and in the evening. Write enough to tell the other person how your day
was
4. Know that the other one cares- always have a
date planned or a vacation planned together-we all need to have something that
we are working towards
5. Respect each others’ roles
6. Never say divorce
7. Set up a weekly 20 minute call. I like to do
this mid-week during spouse's travel. Get it on their calendar. Yes. It's
not romantic-but its tactical and sets you up to have a winning week and keeps
both of you connected. Have an agenda and communicate a plan during this 20
minutes (bills that need to be paid, max's soccer schedule changes, teacher
conference for olivia, weekend plans/chores, budget)
8. Shared calendar
9. Don't feel guilty about making time for
yourself-communicate it’s importance to each other
10. Spend 30 minutes on Sunday planning the week
together.
11. Know your love language but know your
spouse’s better.
“I’m not perfect, but I’m perfectly made”
Jenna Petri
coach/detective of purpose
